R.I.P., Shawn

My friend John's son Shawn, age 27, died a week and a half ago. His death notice called him a "loving son"; I'd have described him as a "beloved son." He caused his father a lot of grief and worry and expense and trouble for most of those 27 years, but I don't think there was ever a moment when John stopped loving him.

John's one of the toughest guys I know, so when he told me he wanted to do the eulogy himself, I thought that it was a bad idea but that if anyone could eulogize his own son, John was the guy to do it. He and Shawn's brother came to the house last Sunday and spent an hour talking about Shawn. I wrote up what they said, and somehow John had the strength and composure to read the whole thing at the funeral mass.

I've known a lot of you for a long time; others just for a day or two. Some of you I haven't even met yet; I'm John, Shawn's father.

As I've tried to accept the fact that Shawn’s dead and that I’m never going to see him again (in this world, anyway), one thing about Shawn keeps coming back to me

Time was really important to him. He always remembered birthdays and things like that, and when he had to be somewhere, he was always on time. Even at the very beginning, he was on time: 27 1/2 years ago, his mother and I had scheduled to have his birth induced on August 31. Wouldn't you know, that morning his mother went into labor naturally, and Shawn arrived on exactly the day we were expecting him.

For some reason I find that comforting now. He was born on time. If he died a couple days ago, it must have been because it was time; Shawn would never do anything if it wasn't the right time to do it.

Something else I find comforting: A lot of people are in pain and suffer for weeks or months before the die. Shawn didn’t. In fact, Shawn was happy. H had a job he liked, he was this close to graduating from George Mason, he had just come back from a long vacation to Miami and the Caribbean, he and his brother, Gary, were closer than they'd been in years – maybe ever. Life was good!

Shawn was really smart: magna cum laude from NOVA, attending the University of Miami and George Mason. He was also charming, compassionate, understanding, resourceful, and persuasive. One example of his persuasiveness: His health insurance company once denied his claim for benefits. Shawn didn't accept no for an answer. He persisted and persisted -- and he eventually won. The insurance company not only agreed to cover the charges, they actually sent the check directly to Shawn. (I have to admit that once Shawn got that check, the idea of turning it over to the doctor probably never entered his mind.) Another example: He got a traffic ticket in Maryland a few years ago. He fussed and fussed about it. In the end, the police officer who wrote the ticket wound up in more trouble than Shawn.

I'm unbelievably sad that Shawn died. But I'm grateful for some things too:

• I'm grateful I got to be Shawn's dad for 27 years.
• I'm grateful Shawn will never have to bury me.
• Strange as it sounds, I'm grateful that now I know what a broken family feels like. I hope I'll be able to use that knowledge to help people in some of the support groups I'm a member of.
• And I'm grateful to you for coming today. Your support means a lot to Gary and me.

I'm optimistic that I'll see Shawn in heaven someday. I'm optimistic that we all will.

The ceremony at the cemetery after mass also showed John's toughness. His plan was for everyone to leave after the prayer service and go back to "Grandma's" house for a reception. Well, not "everyone." John had asked several of us to remain and . . . wait for it . . . to help him lower the casket, fill in the grave, and then drink some beer and smoke some cigars. In the event, probably two or three dozen people stayed on and on, so all of us -- all the men, anyway -- pitched in with the shoveling. (Only about half of us got a cigar, however, and unfortunately, we didn't do beers.)

There's no way in the world I could have done something like that after my son's death. But it was absolutely lovely, and I was greatly honored to be part of it.