Christmas letter, 2008?

A friend (initials JPB) sent us the following, which he thinks is a draft of our Christmas letter for next year:

It's been a full year in our family. Not much has really happened ... oh wait, Abby did a few things I should tell you about!

Abby was a guest speaker at the Johns Hopkins Research Center. She spoke about the molecular structure of some newly discovered mitochondrial DNA and its application to certain disease-prevention paradigms. These relationships were so obvious to Abby, but yet she delivered her address with grace and poise, without any condescending attitude toward her fellow scientists. What a girl!

During one of our family trips, we had the bad fortune of witnessing a huge chemical fire just outside of New York City at a Dow Chemical plant. Literally hundreds of firefighters and emergency personnel were on the scene trying their best to deal with this blaze. Things did not look good. All of a sudden a small voice from the back seat, "Stop the car, Gramps". Just as my foot hit the brake, there she was, hopping out of the car and running across the parking lot. She leaped up on one of NYFD's larger pieces of firefighting equipment. With a manual in her little left hand she started hurriedly turning dials, and spinning wheels with the other. The spray now seemed to be. working as the fire finally­ started to calm and subside to a smolder. She jumped back into my car amidst the cheers of the firefighters. I said, "Honey, how in the world did you know what to do?" She looked up at me with those precious eyes and said, "It was nothing, Gramps. They just had the wrong mix of the sulphur dioxine sub-strate in the fire-retardant foam and it caused a deficiency in their main extinguishing tank". That's my Abby!

Finally, we had the wonderful opportunity to take a family trip to Kentucky this year. Since it coincided with the running of the Kentucky Derby, we got tickets and went to see it. Wouldn't you know it, at the very last minute, the track announcer's voice came over the loud-speaker and informed us that one of the jockeys had been taken ill at the last minute. The crowd was crest-fallen and started to shuffle toward the exits. Looks like this annual sporting event would be cancelled and the day would be ruined for all. Wait a minute! Who's that little brunette girl streaking out across the track. You guessed it ... it was Abby ! She jumped on the back of that rider-less horse (I think it was called "Grandpa's Pride and Joy") and took off like a streak of lightning. Around the track she went, leaving all the other riders in her dust. She was absolutely magnanimous in the winners circle. Her speech not only demonstrated her grace toward her fellow riders, but she also explained Immanuel Kant's "Categorical Imperative" in a way in which the entire crowd finally understood it ! Odd .... But, nevertheless, fascinating!

Quite a day .... Quite a year .... Quite a girl!

Nice try, JPB, but it's an obvious forgery. I would never even think of driving a car near New York City.